Eurovision Song Contest 2022, report cards for the second semi-final

Rasmus “Jezebel” (Finland)

The bad news is that we have heard this passable piece about the irresistible and powerful Jezebel dozens of times in the last forty years, and it is actually written with Desmond Child, the master of mainstream rock of the 1980s and 1990s. The good news is that qualified sources say the results should not jeopardize Finland’s entry into NATO. But the yellow and black combination that is very popular on Third Man Records is beautiful.

Michael Ben David “IM” (Israel)

A hymn to defend one’s own identity and (forgive us the god of Eurovision) resilience, this is an incoherent song, a version of what was ten years ago, good for The X factorwhere Michael Ben David actually comes from (most of today’s singers are talents). And it’s not his fault that with everything going on in his part, “The Middle East is the New Sex Appeal” sounds weird.

Contractual “In a healthy body” (Serbia)

This is peffòmans. The idea was to create a song full of concern for the health of the body, in which the singer relies on God due to the lack of health insurance, the result is cheap. Now we want to hear what were the other songs that the Serbs rejected.

Nadir Rustamli “Disappearing into Black” (Azerbaijani)

How much pathos and how much rhetoric in this drama, which begins slowly, builds up and then declines as predicted. Who are you claiming for, Tom Walker?

Mircus Circus “Close me up” (Georgia)

After the Azerbaijani melodrama, you need some rhythm and healthy nonsense. Okay, the song is thin but has something crazy, circus and psychedelic about it that doesn’t hurt. “Take me to a spaceship, take me to a dance club”: we were taking a trip with them.

Emma Muscat “I am who I am” (Malta)

Hymn to sexism with pop-gospel echoes, with Emma “Human Mirrorball” standing on the piano with enthusiasm worthy of advertising lactose-free snacks. How ironic: a former competitor Amici praise each individual character and then compose a song that can belong to each one.

Achille Laura “Stripper” (San Marino)

Music Bulldozer it will be a mix of other stuff by Lauro and the text is a collection of memes, but in the midst of such boredom he, cages, flames, a kiss with Boss Doms and a mechanical bull (a bit City cowboy and small ‘ Have a nice Sunday with Gabriella Carlucci) doing their whore (pun intended) drawing. And yet it is outside, Romania inside: where are the Codacons, when are they needed?

Sheldon Riley “Not the same” (Australia)

Can you ever say anything bad about a song that tells the story of a child diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome and growing up unaware of his sexuality in a poor and bigoted family? Could we ever say that despite Orville’s big voice, costume and mask, the Platypus is completely uninteresting? Never, impossible, we never talk about it.

Andromache “She” (Cypro)

The cha-cha-boom you hear in half-world pop, some exotic vibrato, so empty. Inform Eurovision that the name Andromache means “she who fights with men.” Okay, but not with the men going to the finals.

Brooke “This is rich” (Ireland)

She says she was inspired by Debbie Harry and her autobiography. How is it that the result is similar to the square root of XCX (in Charli’s sense)? Not to mention after this performance, Dua Lipa ends up in a Twitter trend,

Andrea “Circles” (North Macedonia)

It was well understood halfway through the evening that the second semi-final were ballads that should move us. The singer, who is the queen of the most intense poses, is competing for North Macedonia with a song in the R&B key. Di B is also the series to which the song belongs.

Stefan “Hope” (Estonia)

Country and West, with echoes of Morriconia from which the whole truth has been sucked. To be honest? He could take off his city cowboy suit and wear the ram costume he was part of Masked singer Estonian.

WRS “Call me” (Romania)

A cheap version of a dance that we knew we didn’t need. “Hola mi bebebe, llámame llámame”. Thanks, maybe another time, if we made it.

I’m hungry “Rzeka” (Polonia)

Apparently, he talks about suicide (or at least about giving himself to the river current) and in a banal way he mixes the echoes of pop and opera. The singer’s grandfather is tenor Wiesław Ochman, who also went through the Scala in Milan. We bet your son will never pass the Assago Forum?

Vladan “Breathe” (Montenegro)

The only thing missing was a song about Covid. It is sung by a colleague from Podgorica (a friend in the sense that Vladana has a master’s degree in journalism), who also puts a share in Italian. He tells about his mother and all the other victims whose breathing capacity has been deprived of the virus. He respectfully said old, kitschy, terrible things.

Jeremiah Makiese “I miss you” (belgium)

Footballer, winner Voice, geology student (virologist and geopolitics expert, right?), Jérémie Makiese has more voice than identity. This modern R&B has nothing original about it, but also not embarrassing: for the evening level, this is something.

Cornelia Jakobs “Hug me” (Svezia)

Cornelia Jakobs is one of the favorites to win the final, according to bookmakers. You understand the reason: the song starts painfully and vaguely to Adele, and in the second half it ends at the club. A half-sad, half-party interpretation always gives a certain effect. ABBA did it perfectly. They were Swedes and they won Eurovision, let’s keep that in mind (and then Cornelia’s Instagram biography is really “live your pussy”).

We are Domi “Lights off” (Czech Republic)

Having arrived at the end of the evening, listening to this old-fashioned and anonymous dance piece, one can doubt that European integration is not something great on a musical level.

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